Breakup Advice

How to Handle Ex Wife Drama and Put a Stop to It

So your toxic ex wife is causing issues for you and you’re in a tricky situation. Let me share with you how I dealt with an impossible situation in a way that protected my own feelings and those of my son.

Let’s start by talking about your vindictive ex-wife.

Find a way to handle your bitter ex wife

Let’s face it, the woman you married turned out to be a controlling, manipulative, angry pain in the backside.

We all make mistakes.

But now that mistake is coming back to haunt you. The Abusive phone calls and never-ending text messages from the control freak are disrupting your good relationship with your new partner, and you’re pretty sure that’s the whole point.

This is a difficult situation, but there are things you can and must do in order to protect your sanity and those around you from a difficult ex-wife.

You need to find a better way of doing things, because what you’re doing simply isn’t working.

So let’s get to work.

Protect your new relationships

Your new girlfriend (or your new wife) have nothing to do with your previous relationship, and you need to make sure it stays that way.

If you find yourself arguing in your new relationship about your manipulative ex-wife, then you’re failing to manage your world, and your ex wife is playing you like a marionette.

If you’ve managed so far to avoid the stressful attacks of your former spouse from becoming a part of your everyday conversation, it’s in your best interest to sit down with your new partner and explain a few things, before you become the bad guy.

Don’t get emotional when you talk about your toxic ex. Keep that stuff out of the conversation. Explain politely that your ex wife is a difficult person and she’s out to cause stress, and that you’re sorry for the inconvenience but that is temporary.

The important thing here is not to declare that you’re helpless or to show that you’re cracking under the pressure.

I dealt with this type of crap for a long time, and I’m laying out the best way to live through this temporary storm keeping as much of your dignity as possible.

Don’t criticise her in front of your children

If there are kids involved – and even family – this situation gets frustratingly tricky. That’s the situation I found myself in. I had a small son for whom I was paying child support and my ex wife’s parents had child custody of him.

The whole thing was a mess.

If you have an 18 year old daughter or son, things are very different to when you have a small child involved. I mention 18 because that’s when this nightmare situation officially ends. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

What you need to do is devise the best way to live through that tunnel.

When it comes to your child, you already know they require unconditional love (unless you want to bring up a psychopath).

Unfortunately, the significant people in your child’s life include your ex wife, and that means never bad-mouthing her in front of your kids.

As a rule of thumb, I recommend you start by keep your thoughts to yourself when it comes to your ex and then you work on yourself to separate yourself from the negative feelings.

It’s hard work, but it’s something you need to do in order to protect your own mental health. You cannot be thinking bad stuff during your day.

Letting unnecessary drama and negative things become an important part of your everyday thoughts causes its own issues, and that can even manifest itself in illness.

So do the right thing for yourself and those who depend on you and learn to avoid thinking about your ex, regardless of the difficult situation.

If you have full custody of your kids, then the care of the children is your priority, and that means being present mentally.

I remember seeing a father walking with his small son and the man’s face was contorted into what looked like a painful expression. He was totally immersed in some thought process that wasn’t serving him well, nor his son.

Don’t miss out on life because of your ex wife’s behaviour.

Your kids and those around you need a safe place, and as the man, it falls on you to provide a sense of safety.

If that takes a court order to keep your wife from contacting you, then make it happen.

Don’t seek advice from friends

It’s not always a good idea to get your friend’s perspective on your life. A lot of people like to watch others’ drama from the side-line and have no real interest in seeing you thrive. It’s just how things are.

Additionally, your good friends are on your side, so they’re going to be talking about your ex as a home wrecker and sympathising with your living hell in order to protect your feelings.

It’s hardly stepping out of your comfort zone, is it? You know that’s not going to solve your problem.

If you’re going to seek advice, cough up the legal fees and get impartial council from a professional. You will have to revisit the old wounds from your previous marriage but it’s worth it.

The bottom line is you cannot be living with emotional abuse. Talking to a professional may help you see whether your difficult ex-spouse could be considered an unstable person with borderline personality disorder.

More to the point, having a support group will support you emotionally but also intellectually. Others may see right away that you should seek a court order to keep her away – something that victims of abuse often fail to see because they have no situation to compare with.

Establish ground rules

While your ex partner’s behaviour may be unforgivable, you also have to face up to your own behaviour. More specifically, your lack of action.

You need to man up to the situation. It simply cannot go on.

You have a legal system to protect you should you need to, but those are usually extreme cases. More often than not, ex wives act like bastards because their ex husbands are letting them get away with it.

You need to set some boundaries. It’s not going to get you a perfect world, but it’s a big deal and the single best thing you can do for yourself and those around you in this situation.

Don’t allow negative feelings to be a part of your day or to enter into your inner circle.

Stop checking your phone and jumping every time your ex wife sends a text. If she’s being unreasonable or abusive, don’t answer. Put the phone away. Change your phone number if you have to and keep the old one just for dealing with your ex when it comes to children.

Your controlling ex wife will soon realise that you’re not prepared to put up with nonsense. It will be hard work at first, but you have to stop answering all texts that are not reasonable or about time arrangements between yourself as parents.

Trust me, this is a smart move and it will save you a lot of stress in the long run. Your ex is not a family member and if you do nothing you stand to her behaviour wreck your life and any loving relationship you hope to build.

Other questions

As always, there are extreme cases when it comes to ex partners, so let me address some of the most common issues below:

How do I deal with my vengeful, psycho ex wife?

Ask yourself: is your ex wife’s behaviour extremely unreasonable or are you just labelling her a psycho? If her actions really are causing you this much stress, seek professional advice to get an independent perspective on the situation. If her behaviour is intolerable, you may be able to get a restriction order.

In the short term, the best thing you can do is stop answering her calls or texts. If it’s possible in your situation, putting some distance between you and her may also be a good idea.

If you’re single and without dependents, visit a friend and stay over for as long as you can.

Why is my ex wife so vindictive and intrusive?

Whether your ex wife is intrusive or vindictive is not something you can control. Instead, reframe the question to ‘how can I stop my wife from intruding in on my life and how can I protect myself from her vindictiveness?

You need to consider whether you’re making it possible for her to be this intrusive, and what you could do to stop that. For example, if you’re answering her texts and providing her with information that she then uses against you, stop doing that.

Why are ex wives jealous of new wife?

Your ex wife may not be jealous of your wife but rather resentful that you moved on with your life. Either issue is not emotionally mature nor healthy. Don’t spend time wondering why she’s either. Instead, think about ways to prevent her issues from spilling into your new relationship.

If your previous spouse needs to be a part of your life (let’s say if you have kids together) then explore all options to maintain an amicable relationship – not just for your sake but for the good of your entire family.

Accept the fact that dealing with partners from a previous marriage can usually be difficult relationships. It’s just how it is.

That said, the last thing you want is this situation affecting your current relationship. Pre-empt issues by involving your new partner in a way that keeps her in the loop, but avoid overwhelming her with your baggage.

One way to do this is to have a pet name for your ex. Something like ‘the annoying ex-wife’, or Crazy Tilly. This can help trivialise an ugly situation and the feeling of us against Crazy her can help you build a stronger relationship in the long term.

Summary

If your ex wife is stressing you out on a regular basis you need to put a stop to it for your own sake as well as those around you. The only way to do this effectively is by creating boundaries and sticking to them.

A lack of clear boundaries is what allowed your ex wife to gain the upper hand and turn this into a real issue in the first place.

The wrong thing to do is to do nothing. Instead, vow to no longer put up with abusive and unreasonable behaviour and make sure those around you know it – especially your ex.

You have your own life to manage and, frankly, your ex’s issues are not your problem. The main thing is to stay strong in your resolve not to allow issues to breach your armour.

Remove direct communication with her by getting a new phone and keeping your old phone for the sole purpose of dealing with any arrangements that need to involve both you and your ex wife.

Do these things and eventually she too will go her own way.

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