I can’t get over my ex

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I can’t get over my ex. I’ve tried everything to get over her but nothing’s working. I feel worse every day and so lonely without her. What can I do?”

J says:

The lack of detail in your message implies that this is a very strong event / issue right now for you. Normally I would guess that it’s more recent than not, judging by the intensity conveyed.

During the very first stages of a breakup, it’s not uncommon to feel a little disoriented and helpless, not to mention sad and lonely of course. The key to understanding why we feel helpless is in realizing that we are vague with our own thoughts at this stage, particularly if it was an unexpected breakup or a bad breakup.

What I’m saying here is that right now you think you can’t get over your ex, but if I asked you to tell me exactly why this is, or what bits in particular you’re finding most difficulty getting over, you’d probably be very vague. In fact, I’d be surprised if you had an answer, at least right away.

And here’s the key: if we don’t know what it is we want to get over, then we can’t get over it!

The good news is that getting over an ex is a process like any other, and this means that it can be broken down into stages. The key is knowing and understanding what it is that you’re trying to deal with (at each stage) so that you can target it and systematically patch up your emotions.

Let me suggest that initially, one of the things you’re having an issue with is loneliness; in other words, the absence of your ex girlfriend. This then is one of the areas you need to deal with. In some cases, we miss the company more than the person, but this is not always easy or obvious to realize.

Another area you will want to target straight away is how to stop thinking of your ex. When you can gain a little control over your thought processes and your feelings, then you can start to concentrate on targetting the rest of the issues that will help you get over your ex.

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