Let’s be honest here: you know a red flag when you see one, and you’ve seen enough warning signs that tell you your girlfriend is no longer into you.
More than anything, you’re looking for confirmation. But you also want to know why, and whether there’s a chance you could fix this.
Well, let’s start with the obvious signs and see if any of them are happening to you.
The obvious signs she’s gone off you
- lack of intimacy or a big change in your sex life
- lack of affection and physical touch
- a change in body language
- lack of eye contact
- arguing over seemingly unimportant things
- arguing often
- asking for space or time
- telling you she feels different sexually
Lack of attraction
Most guys see sexual desire as a clear sign that things are good and well. Women, on the other hand, can be a little more complex about these things, so what may seem to us like lack of attraction on her part may just be the tip of the iceberg.
But still, you signed up to your relationship because physical intimacy was part of the deal, and the sexual chemistry you both felt was a good sign of a great love life ahead.
Why else would you have embarked on a long-term commitment?
And yet, here we are, consumed by the feeling of not being wanted.
Once your sexual advances start to get turned down on a regular basis, it won’t be long until you stop making advances at all.
It’s time for one of those awkward conversations.
A word of warning: asking her directly may not be the best way. If she really is suffering from a loss of attraction for you, she may just lie to protect your feelings, or to avoid a confrontation.
Take stock of yourself and your body matters. What has changed, if anything? Although physical attraction is a complex thing and not just about physical appearance, letting yourself go is a good way to turn somebody off no matter how much they once liked you.
If you can’t be honest with yourself, ask a good friend if you’re still the stud you were when you first met your partner. If your best friend lies, that’s a pretty bad sign, and a good explanation of why the levels of level of attraction and physical affection in your relationship have tanked.
Your relationship is not what is used to be
As I mentioned, attraction goes deeper than superficial beauty. Ugly guys also get laid.
Many women place a good sense of humour high on the list. Being around somebody who makes you laugh and feel good is naturally attractive.
So don’t punish yourself too much about how you look if you do suspect you’ve let yourself go a little bit. It probably takes a little more than that to turn off that important person in your life.
One of the possible reasons for a dry spell – especially in a long-term relationship – is down to major changes. These could be things that are happening outside of the relationship – like work-related stress.
Another big reason behind major relationship problems is money. Financial difficulties can kill true love faster than you can say crap.
In order to get a baseline of what ‘normal’ or ‘good’ is in your relationship, ask yourself whether you had a good relationship in the first place.
Then consider what has changed or what impactful things are happening in your partner’s life as well as in yours, and whether these events are causing stress which is then spilling over into your everyday lives.
What seems like lack of attraction could actually be anxiety and worry over something else.
If the above doesn’t apply to your relationship, then there’s a good chance that the reason for the emotional distance is something you’re doing – or something you’re not doing.
Consider how things are today in your relationship when it comes to eye contact, feelings, affection and connection. Did you stop doing something that could have dialled any of those things down?
When was the last time you had a good time that didn’t involve sex with your girlfriend? I’m talking about simple things like strolling down the park or sitting at a cafe and having a good old laugh, feeling a special connection between you.
If you’ve become complacent in your relationship (in other words, a lazy a slob) then that’s a sure way to put a dampener on passion. That could be the root of the problem.
Sit down with your girlfriend and voice your concerns. Ask her to tell you what you can do to fix the issue and pay close attention to her body language. A lie means there’s probably a lot more going on than you’ve realised. If she can’t even maintain eye contact, the problem may not be you, but her (or another guy).
If, on the other hand, the lack of physical contact is purely down to your 60 second foreplay, or even the sex itself, you may want to consider a sex therapist for help in that department.
If your sex life needs a jump start (pun intended) then the good news is that spending some quality time together on a regular basis (that’s always a good place to start) can soon get things back on track.
Your conversations are difficult
If it’s not the sex, and it’s not you, then pay attention to what’s being said. Your conversation holds clues to what’s really going on.
Is she talking about wanting free time? Or even about previous sexual encounters or other somebody else’s romantic relationship or happy marriage?
Those are all signs of an unhappy person – that is, unhappy with the current situation.
She may not be actually wanting or missing previous romantic partners; she may just be missing deep conversations with you.
Getting to the root of the problem is not always easy if the other person is being evasive or difficult, but you owe it to yourself and your mental health to get closure on the issue.
That said, it can be a delicate situation, so don’t be forceful. Let her know you need to know what’s happening and give her a little bit of time to come to terms with spilling the beans.
A lack of sexual attraction can be a good indicator of a deeper problem in your current relationship. The important thing is to get to the bottom of it. Have a frank conversation with your partner to establish where you both are mentally and whether you can get back on track to a healthy relationship.