Sad and lonely after ex girlfriend left me

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I feel so sad and lonely it’s unreal. I am a guy but I just cry and cry every single day… I never felt like this before. I’m out of my mind and I don’t even think I will get over her. I knew this would happen one day. I was better off alone and I wish I’d never met her – it hurts too much and I can’t deal with the pain. I just knew it was going to happen one day. I know I’m a guy but I’m just a weak person… I just hope I can get through this”

J says:

To begin with, get rid of this idea or concept that you have where crying is not for guys, or that it means that you’re ‘weak’ or weaker than others. You say you’re sad and lonely… so how else are you supposed to act? Crying is a very clever mechanism – a tool that your body uses to release tension and stress. If you don’t allow your body to function properly, you will be building all kind of stresses within in which could in time lead to a nervous breakdown and worse. So it’s your choice: cry when you’re feeling sad and lonely and release stress or decide that you know better than your inbuilt mechanisms and end up hooked on heavy anti-depressants…

So, start by getting rid of this idea you have… do this immediately – otherwise, every time you cry or you feel sad and lonely you will be reinforcing the idea that you’re ‘weak’… an idea that you made up yourself. Can you see how this reinforcement will affect you? it will dent your self-concept and drive you down into the depths of depression.

Moving on: you feel down in the dumps right now, but hey… everybody feels sad when this happens to them too!

Allow me to just pick out one thing that your words convey. You say that in the back of your mind you knew this (your ex girlfriend leaving you) was going to happen one day. In other words, it was inevitable.

You also state clearly what you think about yourself: you say that you’re ‘a weak person’ and your whole message seems to be based on this idea.

In the world of marketing, there is an idea that the outcome of a meeting is set even before the meeting begins. It follows the ideology that it’s really down to the attitude of the people going into the meeting… the attitude (thoughts and feelings) they take into the meeting. This golden nugget of a concept applies to everything in life. Imagine you’re going ‘out on the town’ with your friends and you start to brood beforehand, dreading the thought of having a terrible night, playing scenes in your mind of the whole night going really badly for you. Well, with this attitude (and belief) how can you possibly have a good time when you go out? You can’t. You’ll have an air of negative expectancy, maybe even constantly scan your surroundings looking for confirmation of ‘something bad about to happen’.

They say a chain is as strong as its weakest link… Let me ask you a question: how long do you think anybody can last in a relationship when all they think is: ‘this is not going to last. It won’t last. She’s going to leave me any minute now…’

Do you think that this attitude will affect the way that person acts and behaves around his girlfriend? Of course it will… Do you think that this person can have fun and be in the moment? Doubtful… he’s too busy thinking of his girlfriend leaving him!

So start to get rid of any ridiculous concepts that you have about yourself – make a list if you have to and start to cross them out to make them ‘go away’ – because simply put, you are what you THINK you are. If you think you are a weak person, then this is always going to be the case… you will always act according to that belief. The bad news is that you will act in this way for as long as you tell yourself you’re weak, so if you don’t do anything about this idea this is going to be the way you act for the whole of your life. Is that what you want? Do you think you will attract other women into your life when you act like a weak person is supposed to act? If you were a woman, would you work to get the attention of a guy who acted in this way?

Next:

  • take a good look at yourself and where you are now, and decide who you want to be and where you want to be.
  • once you’re clear on this, make a plan to get you there.
  • Then do it.
Don’t come up with excuses as to why you can’t do this and that and don’t stall by wanting to stay sad and lonely as some kind of justification for staying where you are right now. There are NO excuses when all is said and done. In reality, none of us knows what lies ahead, or what’s around the corner, but that’s no reason to slow down and stop moving forward. Get in gear and pick up the pace again.

You’re not weak – you’re just human.

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