Breakup Advice

How to Text an Ex Girlfriend After No Contact (My Wife’s Killer Tip)

So you’re getting ready to text your ex, and you’re wondering how best to text her after keeping silence for such a long time.

Here’s what to keep in mind on first contact:

As a rule of thumb, if you’re texting your ex after a period of no contact, keep the text short and polite and remove any emotive language. Include an open question to increase your chances of a reply.

That will – in most cases – get you a reply. But, as you can guess from the fact that there’s a little bit more to read, things are not so simple.

Let me also add that the advice you read online about contacting an ex is absolute bumf. Tips like generate curiosity, make her laugh, remind her of a good memory and catch her attention are ridiculous, to say the least.

This kind of advice relies on the premise that a simple text message, if delivered at the right time can suddenly and magically undo all the negative feelings of your past relationship.

Even you don’t believe that!

Imagine you get a text from a nightmare ex after a long period of radio silence. How curious do you feel when you read ‘Guess what I’m doing right now?’ Your ex is not exactly a good old friend, is she? And how loud do you laugh when the bitch texts you out of the blue to remind you of a funny? Seriously…

Let’s get real here. If you’re going to text your ex for whatever reason, at least do it in a way that keeps your dignity intact.

In this article I’ll show you how to do just that. And I’ll even throw in my wife’s killer tip.

Let’s dive in.

Identify why you’re texting your ex in the first place in order to know what type of message is needed

There are two reasons why you should feel the need to contact an ex:

  1. you’re realised you left behind something important at her place, like your passport or your lucky pants. Actually, if your lucky pants were involved in your old relationship, give them a miss.
  2. you want to get back with your ex.

Let’s call the first scenario ‘need to’ and the second one ‘want to’.

If you’re getting in touch with your ex because you need to…

This is a kicker, but it has to be done. Let me share what happened to me when I left my wallet behind after breaking up.

Me and my girlfriend at the time had a heated argument and I ended up telling her exactly what I thought of her and storming out somewhat dramatically. The relationship was over. That was it.

I stormed out of her student flat and into the cold day and walked purposely toward the train station. I was 300 miles from home, spending half my week in her student digs and the other half at home, also with her. It was my first long distance relationship.

It was at that point that I realised I had forgotten my wallet. Cursing loudly, I stopped and wondered what to do. There was only one thing for it: call a friend.

I called Gary, a good old friend, and told him what had happened, hoping that he’d have an answer. Instead, he burst out laughing and didn’t stop until I put the phone down.

Dam it.

I had to go back to her flat, after all that shouting and screaming and angry pointing, with my tail firmly between my legs.

The embarrassment alone should have killed me.

So be thankful that at least you’re on the other side of your previous relationship. You just need to retrieve something.

First, remove yourself emotionally from what needs to be done. Imagine you were texting a random stranger.

Don’t spend time trying to pre-empt what she may think or what she may say. You actually have a good reason to text her.

Keep the request polite and to the point. For example, if you forgot your passport, then I would advice texting something like:

Would it be possible for me to collect my passport please? 

That, my friend, is a reasonable request.

How you go about collecting the item is a different matter altogether, but as far as contacting your ex goes, this is the best approach.

If you’re getting in touch with your ex because you want to…

This is a trickier situation and requires a little but more thinking.

Let me ask you something:

Do you find yourself hovering near your phone checking your text messages or waiting for a phone call from your ex?

If so, why?

I’m guessing it’s because you want to get back with your ex and you’re hoping that she would make the first move.

Well, here’s where all the online advice about the so called no contact rule falls flat on its face.

She didn’t contact you for a reason, and it’s not likely to be out of shame.

My first piece of advice is to read the first point in my article on how to get over your ex. Or perhaps read all of it, if only to get a different perspective.

The fact is that a lot of guys miss being with a partner more than the actual ex-partner. It’s cosy and nice to feel companionship and all the things that go with it, but it can cloud your vision when you’re dealing with somebody who did not help you create a healthy relationship.

A rebound relationship is often a poor decision because you’re getting into bed (literally) with somebody you have no history with. Well, returning to a bad relationship is just as idiotic.

That said, if you are determined to get back with your ex, then let me advice you on the next step in this process.

It’s a good idea to let some time pass and let the healing process get underway. You may think that waiting around is a huge mistake and that she could in the meantime get into a new relationship.

While that’s true, the biggest mistake would be to get into a relationship before you’re emotionally ready. Doing so almost guarantees to bring up bad feelings and wreck any hard work you both put into getting things back on track, and that’s the last thing you want.

So, make sure enough time has passed, for your sake. To be in a healthy relationship you need two emotionally sound people,

You can always ask mutual friends about your ex if you want to check her status, but be aware that a lot of people can’t keep secrets and she’s bound to find out you’ve been asking about her. So that could be the wrong move.

It may be easier and safer to check her social media profile to get a gauge on things, although I don’t personally think that’s particularly healthy as it can build a compulsion to keep checking.

If you do, don’t become a stalker.

Keep the first text short

The best thing is to contact your ex with no hard feelings. Make no mistake, contacting her after all this time is a big deal and you can bet she’s going to run this by her best friends – and they’re not going to be on your side.

With that in mind, there is no good time or best time to contact her. But there is a right way do contact her, and that’s what I’m about to go over next.

If it wasn’t already obvious, a big mistake is to contact her in a threatening way. Always try your best to contact her in a friendly way and keep the tone light.

So, your first text should avoid conflict and bad memories, but at the same time don’t launch into a story trying to relive good times or a positive memory, because that’s just weird after months of no contact.

Don’t try to make your text appear like a good thing either, and certainly don’t try to get the upper hand as this will immediately raise a red flag, no matter how subtle you think you’re being.

If you want to earn yourself a good chance of a reply, then your goal is to establish good terms. The type of text message you’re sending is a feeler text, nothing else.

Keep things short and on point. Don’t mention different things even if they seem like important things. There’s time for that later.

Remember, if you screw things up the first time, you’re not likely to get a second chance.

Also, don’t have high expectations and expect an immediate reply, or one the next day. Try to remain detached to avoid checking your phone obsessively.

If you get no reply, wait…

If you don’t get a reply and you decide to send a follow up text, make sure enough time has passed. I’m not suggesting waiting a lot of time, just don’t expect something the following day.

If no reply seems forthcoming, you need to consider if this is a bad idea. Don’t try to guess your ex’s mind. If you think you executed the first text the right way and you get no reply, it’s highly likely that she’s not interested.

It is possible, of course, that you will get a late reply. Depending on the circumstances of your break up, perhaps she needs to think carefully about her move. Give your ex space if you think this may be the case.

Bombarding her with more texts will just make things worse. Holding your silence is more often than not the right decision. So be cool.

If you get a reply, don’t overwhelm her with texts

If you get a reply and it’s not a torrent of abuse, then that could be a good sign. At the very least, you were able to establish an open line of communication, congratulate yourself on not screwing up this very important step.

It’s worth mentioning here that you should not be playing idiotic games at this stage. I’m talking about things like the no contact rule, or waiting a certain amount of days because everybody’s blog says so.

Let’s get serious: this is about two adults establishing communication and embarking on a conversation that could potentially seal the rest of your lives.

And on that note, don’t be tempted to play relationship coach by dishing out advice or talking about how you’ve improved. It’s not a sales pitch.

You’ve gotten this far by being frugal with your words, so don’t break consistency and start sending essays if you’re hoping for future conversations.

If you have a big question to pop, consider if there is a better place to ask than by text. If that means a face to face or even a social gathering, then don’t be too quick to suggest a meetup. Instead, try to gauge how open she may be to this by her responses.

Use email instead of text if you prefer

If you decide to use email instead of text, don’t use your work email. Not only does it make you appear desperate because it seems you’re thinking about her in work, it’s just not cool. This is personal, so use your personal email.

There’s no right way to do this. Different people prefer different approaches. Email is one of the easiest ways because it gives you more time to think about the next step.

My wife’s killer tip

I decided to run this article by my wife. It’s not something I normally do because I’m in the business of helping guys get through a break up, but texting an ex and expecting a reply involves a female mind.

So, I asked her.

Naturally, my advice is sound. But she did add something I hadn’t thought of. She said think like a woman.

Get in touch with your female side and try to write with all the understanding and gentleness of a female talking to another female about something very sensitive.

Nice.

Other questions

The topic of texting an ex is deeper than your average rabbit hole. The main issue being that a lot rests on the first text. Depending on what you’re trying to achieve, it may be important to you not to blow a chance to restore communication.

With that in mind, I’ve answered other questions that can help you get a better handle on this.

What should I text my ex after no contact?

The words you text your ex are not as important as the sentiment behind the words and the reason behind the contact. For example, if your contacting your ex to ask for a date after a particularly bad breakup, that could come across as insensitive and even deluded. Choose your words carefully, but focus more on conveying the reason behind the text.

Remember, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

How often should you text your ex after no contact?

As a general rule of thumb, if you’ve just started texting your ex after a period of no contact and your goal is to establish communication, you should keep the texts short and simple and the frequency of texting low. Remember your ex is not your partner.

How do I respond to my ex girlfriend after no contact if she texts back?

When responding to your ex’s text after a period of no contact,
be polite and don’t stray from the point. It’s also better to be brief so don’t hesitate to read over your reply before you send it and make edits to cut down unnecessary words.

Will no contact make her move on with her life?

The only scenario where you can say your ex moved on because you didn’t contact her is if she wants to get back with you and she can’t bring herself to contact you first. Otherwise, in the long term, it’s inevitable that she will move on with her life. She simply cannot live her life thinking about you, and nor should you. 

How do you respond to an apology ex text?

Respond politely and in line with your own needs and wants. If you’ve decided to move on, then acknowledge the text and be brief so there is no mistaking your intention. For example, end your text with ‘I wish you the best of luck’. Whether you accept the apology or not is a different matter, but it won’t serve you well to hold resentment.

Conclusion

Texting an ex girlfriend is not exactly a step by step process, although there is a good way to do so and many things to avoid if you want to get a reply from her.

A great way to get in touch, especially after much time has passed, is to keep your text short and to the point. This type of message has a better chance than one that creates difficult conversations.

If your goal is to get back together with your ex, then the one thing that I do recommend and that will seal your success or failure when it comes to creating a lasting relationship is to work on yourself. You cannot be the same person you were at the time of the break up.

Think about it. Why would she want that version of you back?

The right thing to do if you want to make this work is to learn from your mistakes and show her that you’re contacting her for the right reasons and that you’re ready to take things in the right direction.

That’s the whole point of a good relationship. Fixing a broken one takes real changes, not just good will.

The bottom line is, if you’re hoping for a romantic relationship then an important aspect of making that happen is bringing something better to the table. Remember this is your second time, so the first thing she’s going to be looking for are signs of the old you, especially if your relationship ended largely because of issues you caused. People have a good memory when it’s something important to them, so you need to be better than before if you want better results than before.

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